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Oh yeah...

Maybe it's karmatic retribution but my new teacher is Master ADD.

Joy.

-Van

...

I feel like I've lost my mind. Or am in the process of losing it.

Am I an asshole?

I don't get myself sometimes. I basically kicked her out of my life- my best frakkin' friend on this moon... and I can't really explain why.

I have what I've told myself, that explanation. What I told her. I think that's true, when it comes to my motives- I want her to be happy, even if that takes me out of the picture.

But then again... seeing her hurt kind of felt... good. Seeing that I had ANY kind of affect on her... I don't know. I must just be a brixxing ass.

I don't know... Vlogging isn't really helping right now.

-Van

SFB4 Rumors, Looming Impending Doom

Okay, so it's an all new plotline according to my latest holomag. Which means... NEW CASTING.

Yeah... the best part about it? They are holding amateur fan tryouts for voice acting a minor role in the new show. They're in about a month in the core worlds. I need to figure out how to get sent on a mission like Manshara just came back from. I think she went to Corellia.

In other news: I cannot stress how much I can't wait for master Firel to come back. I'm scheduled with master ADD for the next THREE DAYS.

It'll be nice to get some time with Nessa when Paio isn't around, but still. It's with master ADD. Looming Impending Doom.

-Van

Chits For The Day

08:04 I hate mornings #
08:52 Wtk master ADD cooking mama? #
09:10 This is actually happening #
09:15 @twedgegirl I know, right #
09:42 My Morganian gods. More running!?!? Someone shoot me #
09:57 I hate it #
10:13 lol, making juice #
12:36 omkmg so spicy #

Automatically shipped by Chitter

Fun Run My Morganian Butt

Okay. What is the deal with always running all the time?

I. Hate. Running.

But Master ADD apparently loves it. “A fun run,” he called it. In my opinion, ‘fun’ and ‘run’ used in the same sentence is basically an oxymoron. Unless of course that sentence is “To run is NOT fun.”

Seriously. My legs still hurt from insane yoga class of doom earlier this week.

I did like lunch today, however, seeing as Nessa was the chef. Man, Atrisian food is nice. Mmmm. I’d just love to see her in a cute little apron, cooking for us before we sat down to watch the SFB3 miniseries together.

BUT OH YEAH SHE LIKES LETHANS.

Srsly. Life here kind of sucks. I was fine with it when the only sucky thing was having to wait FOREVER for my SFB3 mags to come in the mail, but it’s getting borderline redic. Oh, and the whole part where I almost transmogrified my roommate. I should seriously see about getting out of here. I’m not cut out for this.

-Van

Yeah. Insanity.

Okay, I don't mean to sound so emo, but What. The. Freaking. Glorbsta. So, a bunch of masters just up and leave without telling us what's going on, and in the meantime we're all stuck with Sergeant Sweat-a-lot. I'm serious, this dude is five kinds of crazy. He's all "Oh, for a warm up go run 50 laps!"

I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.

For a warm up? For a kriffing WARM UP!?!

I am sooooo sore. All over my body, man. My legs feel like they are going to fall off. Ness says it's lactic acid or something. And Gaven won't shut up about now I have to clean the room because he ran faster? I'm like "next time get it in writing!" And then he gets all huffy. He's just reading a datapad real deliberately now.

I miss Master Firel. Things have been so crazy lately. Ever since that mission at the Temple.

I think I should write my parents. I honestly don't know if this is the best choice for me... I thought it would be exciting to be a jedi, but instead it's just... scary... and like, a lot of really hard work.

Meh. I'll figure it out.

-Van

Sigh.

So. Things have been pretty crazy lately. I knew training to be a jedi would be intense... I just never realized how much so until recently.

I don't think I'm cut out for this shunfa.

-Van

All from clicking on colors.

Presently, you are trying to break away from a situation that is causing you considerable worry and concern. Things are getting on top of you and you are feeling depressed almost to breaking point. Obviously there must be a way out - but at this time the solution seems to be escaping you. You want to 'get away from it all' and as a consequence you appear to be sullen and introverted and refuse to get involved in any discussion or arguments which could aggravate the situation. Accept the fact that 'as you feel - so your body will respond' and 'pretend' to the world about you that everything is going beautifully as, if you act as if 'all is going well' everything will, whether you believe it or not, work out as you would like it to.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image. You need for those people in positions that matter to recognise your potential and to acknowledge you.

You feel unhappy because you feel that you are not able to obtain the co-operation of those around you. All you would like at this time would be to achieve harmony within your circle.

Presently, you are experiencing stress because of restriction on your independence. You need and seek respect from other people and it is essential that they appreciate you for yourself and not for what they would like you to be. You have your own beliefs and convictions and you would like to be respected for them. You are anxious to avail yourself of every opportunity that may come your way but nevertheless, come what may, you have the need to control your own destiny without imposed limitations or restrictions.

You are fed up with other people trying to influence you and you also feel that it is necessary to protect yourself from the threat that your independence and freedom may be restricted. You would just like to be left alone.


Link

Meh. Kind of 'yes,' kind of 'no.'

-Van

Live Through

Well. Things still suck.

I didn't sleep at all last night. I just couldn't get that image out of my head. Then of course, Gaven mentioned something about how when he and Dar left Ness was slowdancing with her.

Way to pour salt on the wound, bud.

Sigh, I know Gaven just honestly slipped up, and I pretended not to hear, but still. AUUUGH.

He's in class now and I'm completely bored so I'm just surfing the holonet, trying to distract myself.

So I had this really awkward breakfast with Master Firel this morning. I was just sitting outside, thinking, and she jogs up to me, real concerned and upset. She healed my hand, though, which was pretty impressive. It was swollen like you wouldn't believe- my skin was actually turning dark purple all over my hand. It was swollen up the most near the pinkie. I think I hit the wall at an angle, because I could have sworn a few of my metacarpals were at least cracked if not fractured.

Anyway, then she asked me/commanded me to go with her to the dining hall to get some food, which is a good idea. So I go along and what not... and then like, of course, Ness and ...Paio... are sitting together.

Awesome.

Just awesome.

Then to make things even worse, Master Firel catches me looking at Ness and figures out what I'm all upset about.

I basically wanted to die. And punch something. Or Punch something so hard that it kills me.

Any of those three options.

But then she starts going on and on about how when she was young she was rejected. That really caught my attention. Like... She's definitely the hottest instructor on campus, and the most fun. Seriously, ALL of the guys here have a secret crush on her. Who would say no to her I have no idea. The guy must have been gay.

Anyway, it was really nice of her to do that- try and make me feel better. Hell she even sat down with me- which like, teachers never do that, you know?

Oh- check this out, then she starts going on and on about how great I am, and she's all "You're very handsome." I seriously did not know how to react. Like... that's a big complement, especially coming from a fox like Raine... er Master Firel. Like, it was weird, even though I was feeling really brixxing down, when she said that my heart skipped.

But then, like a second afterward all I felt was like, really awkward... because she's my teacher. It's just. I have no idea.

So anyway, long story short, I come back from breakfast and lie down. And I haven't moved since. And it's after mid-day already. I guess I should try to catch up on sleep, but every time I close my eyes my mind just goes back to Gage's party.

Force it makes me so angry.

Gah. I'm gonna look up some Ultimate Galactic Fighting Championship archives.

Or maybe I should go for a run or something.

... but then I risk running into Ness.

I really don't want to see her right now.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.

Feeling like I do now, I wonder if I even made the right choice coming here. Like seriously. I could work retail the rest of my life and be happy. I don't want this- I don't want glory, I don't want praise, I don't want to be a hero!

I just want to watch Space Fighter Bots 3 and have a girl who likes to watch it with me.

That's like, my main life goal at this point.

Sigh.

-Van

...

The worst possible outcome has outcame.

I still can't believe it.

I left the party really quickly. I just... it was like the walls were closing in all around me. I just had to get out of there. It might have been a little dramatic to run off like that but... I just had to get out of there.

I'm just overwhelmed by this swirling cascade of emotion. I'm royally pissed, angry, all I want to do is break something. I punched the temple wall on my way over. I seriously think I may have broken my hand. I've put a cold press on it, but I should go to the medic when I wake up tomorrow.

Force, I feel... I don't know. I just, when I saw her looking at her like that... I can't even tell you how terrible it felt. And it was like... like every nerve in my body flared up; as though every cell at once confirmed my worst fears to be true. I... I couldn't breathe. I literally... it was like I was paralyzed. And the worst brixxing thing was I couldn't look away.

For those few seconds, and every single move, they way Ness' lips curled into a smile, and then it spread all over her face- Her eyes were sparkling. They were actually Sparkling from across the room. She looked happier than I have ever seen her before.

I know that that in itself should make me feel happy, that's she's happy, you know, but... but it doesn't.

I've known her for three months- we've seen each other just about every day since we both arrived here- and... and she and I... we had something. I just knew it. The way she'd always want to hang out and just goof off with me- she was always laughing. The way she'd playfully punch my shoulder, how she'd trip me and push me into secret underground hotsprings...

And then... then that Paio girl shows up like 6 days ago... And I barely even see Ness anymore... and now... Force it's just like none of that stuff mattered anymore.

All this time- all this time she flirted with me, and then she just pushed me aside... To be honest, I'm kind of pissed off at her. Like, who does that? Who does that kind of shunfa? Well... I guess Gage Mindar, but still- I just... I didn't ever expect Ness was the kind of person to lead others on like she did to me.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.

I am so.... I just feel... used, and betrayed, and just....

I am so jealous. It's hard to admit it but I am. Just the thought... I saw them together all night, before I finally figured out Ness' disguise... and I was just like "Thank the Force that Paio girl has a boyfriend." Because they were just.... so nauseatingly PDA. Like, hanging all over each other, and giggling, and casting those Force Forsaken lovey dovey looks.

And oh, just thinking about it, Force it makes me so Brixxing angry.

I threw my Dojibouran helmet at the wall when I got in here... it's broken; it split in two.

Kind of symbolic I guess...

I feel... I feel like.... dirty. I don't know why... Everything inside of me is just twisting and churning and... and it just feels like things are crawling all over my skin. I literally feel as though I am going to be sick all over the floor.

I just want to shout. I just want to break everything in sight.


I just want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and find out this is all just a bad dream....

.....

Hold on, knock at the door.

-Van